In my professional life, I have stood before dozens of groups and counseled countless individuals on the results of their emotional intelligence assessments. The assessment, itself, is a great tool to showcase key attributes that impact performance and is a leading indicator of success. The particular assessment tool that I use rates 15 key areas; all critically important to high performance. But there is one attribute that reigns supreme.
And the reason is simple. It has a ripple effect on all the others. I am speaking of self-regard or confidence.
Before I dig deeper, let’s be clear on what confidence is and what it isn’t. It’s the ability to respect yourself and accept both personal strengths and limitations while remaining satisfied and self-secure. This skill set allows you to approach challenges with self-assuredness and a can-do attitude.
It is not a cocky attitude based on bravado or turning a blind eye to your weaknesses. We’ve all met those people who come across as being overly confident, yet their swagger is masking some underlying insecurities that they are desperately trying to shield from view.
The good news…confidence can be developed and honed. So, if you’re harboring your own insecurities and self-doubt, you’re not stuck with a perpetual lack of self-esteem. By making some real change, you can actually unleash a more powerful, influential and successful YOU. In fact, the research suggests that by increasing your self-regard, you are more driven to achieve your full potential, you show a more positive outlook on your capabilities and are more assured in expressing yourself. There’s no wonder that self-regard and confidence is a building block for optimal performance.
So how do you go from being unsure of yourself to radiating confidence? Here are 10 great ways to become unstoppable:
Seek Feedback – Identify people at work or in your personal life who know you well enough to comment on your strengths and weaknesses. Ask them to list your strengths and weaknesses with specific observations or examples.
To make this process more powerful, you should create your own list before you see theirs. Compare the list and review both the similarities and disconnects. From this process, vow to repeat the patterns from the positive examples and openly explore and improve the areas of weakness.
Conquer Self-Doubt – Understanding our limitations can be healthy, but unwarranted self-doubt can be crippling. Feeling like we’re not good enough is a common issue for most folks with low self-regard. And I would be willing to argue that everyone has felt some self-doubt in their lives. The causes are many. You could have been conditioned by outside sources that were harsh or people who were critical, abusive or manipulative. You might have experienced a blow to your self-esteem because you failed or had unrealistic expectations that weren’t realized. The reason for your self-doubt is less important than knowing how to reduce or get rid of it.
There are a number of strategies that work. One way is through the company you keep. In other words, surround yourself with confident, successful people. There’s a truism that says that we are the average of the five people we spend the most time with. So, it becomes critical that we’re in the right group.
Finding a mentor or hiring a coach is also a way to help you reset your vantage point and gain more faith in yourself. And yet another effective strategy for overcoming our self-doubt is to embrace the chance of failing. Most successful people have, in some ways, failed themselves forward. We often doubt ourselves because we fear failing. But by failing and learning from our experiences we can redefine how we view failures and use them as growth and learning opportunities.
Eliminate Negative Self-Talk – The way we talk to ourselves matters. And it matters a lot. And negative self-talk is a prescription for failure.
It turns out that there is an effective way to counter negative self-talk and it begins with having an inner dialogue. That dialogue is the key to whether our negative self-talk is effectively balanced and corrected or whether it all goes downhill. See my article…https://www.refuseordinary.com/those-voices-in-your-headtime-to-get-them-talking/
Typically, if we have a negative thought, it creates negative chatter in our head. If we continue down that path and just elevate the negative, it’s not going to end well. Instead, we can learn to reframe our initial negative thoughts and create a dialogue that ends up being far more productive.
According to research by Charles Fernyhough at Durham University in England, we can learn to orchestrate our inner dialogue into different points of view. And by adding a more positive spin on things, we can control our anxiety and take a more positive approach.
Let me share an example from one of my open-water swims. Upon entering the lake, my initial self-talk was, “This lake water is too cold. I’m not sure how I’m going to be able to swim 2.4 miles.” The reframed dialogue from another vantage point, quickly retorted “But, this cool water is so refreshing. It is clearing my mind and making me more present. I feel so alive.” In other words, instead of continuing down a path from my initial negative thought of “Whoa is me, this is going to be too hard;” I quickly reframed with a more positive perspective. The end-result…I finished a 2.4-mile swim in frigid water and lived to tell about it!
Stop Comparing – As been mentioned, self-confidence is understanding both your strengths and limitations and being comfortable with yourself. In essence, confidence radiates when you are comfortable in your own skin and know that you have important ways to contribute and add value. In today’s social media-obsessed world, it’s easier than ever to fall into comparison traps. Someone else seems more popular, more successful or more together than you do. While this is often an illusion, the reality is that your goal should be not be like the Jones, but to be a better version of you. Period.
Confront Your Fears – We have a tendency to stay in our comfort zones. It’s easy. It’s safe. And it’s secure. But growth comes when we’re willing to step out of our comfort zones and face those situations that stretch us. We all have fears, even though they are often unfounded or blown out of proportion. There’s an old acronym that says that FEAR stands for False Emotions Appearing Real. In other words, we often elevate something in our minds to be much worse than it actually is. The best way to eliminate or reduce our fears is to face them head on. Sometimes that may be taking a big leap. And sometimes it may be taking baby steps. Either way, it’s all about addressing what scares you instead of hiding from it or avoiding it.
I have a former associate who became an insurance agent. After struggling to bring in new clients, she was told that she had to make cold calls to survive. There was just one problem. She was afraid of making cold calls. She didn’t want to come across as a pushy telemarketer. She didn’t want people to yell at her or slam the phone down in her ear. (OK, it’s important to note that this was before the proliferation of cell phones when people actually could slam their phones down.) Because she was desperate, she embarked on the terrifying journey of calling strangers. To her surprise, all of her worst fears were unfounded. Sure, there were plenty of people who weren’t interested and a fair share of hang-ups. But no one cussed her out. No one yelled. No one even slammed the phone in her ear. And she actually got the opportunity to provide insurance quotes and bring in new business by facing her fears. Within a couple of years, she was a top-producing agent.
Set Realistic But Stretchy Goals – While setting attainable goals is important; it’s also important to stretch ourselves. Let’s say that you’re training for a 5K and you want to race faster. Based on past experience, you are comfortable with your ability to run the distance in 25 minutes. A realistic goal, but one that will also push you, may be to run the distance in 24 minutes and 30 seconds. By doing the proper training, you’re able to achieve your desired time.
Achieving goals, particularly those that stretch us, embolden us and motivate us to continuing the process of self-improvement and building our confidence. With each goal accomplished, we consciously or subconsciously check off a ‘win’ that leads to more, and often bigger, achievements.
Create A Growth Mindset – The study of fixed versus growth mindsets started over 30 years ago (https://www.mindsetworks.com/science/) when researchers started examining students’ attitudes about failure. While some students were devastated by small setbacks, others rebounded quickly. The researchers determined that a growth mindset was critical for the students who rebounded quickly. Simply put, people that have a growth mindset are ones who believe that they are capable of growing, learning and improving.
With decades of advancements made in neuroscience, we now understand that the brain is very malleable. In fact, there is specific work in brain plasticity that highlights how the connectivity between neurons can change with experience.
So how does this research affect us? We know that we can increase our neural growth by the actions we take and that these actions are part of a growth mindset. Instead of being hampered by a fixed mindset we can actually do things that will help us become more growth minded. Some of the ways we can cultivate a growth mindset include viewing challenges as opportunities, stop seeking approval, value the process over the end result, acknowledge and embrace imperfections, celebrate our growth with others, reward actions (not traits) and cultivate grit. For more ways, check out https://www.opencolleges.edu.au/informed/features/develop-a-growth-mindset/
Help Others – A sure-fire way to build confidence is to help others. We have often heard or read amazing stories of people who give to others who report that they get so much more in return. The fact is that when we lend a helping hand that there can be a tremendous sense of connection and satisfaction that comes from our efforts.
When we help someone else, however large or small our efforts, we sense that our actions matter. That ability to make a difference is a great way to demonstrate to ourselves that we have something valuable to contribute.
Plan, Prepare And Practice – We all have limitations. There are things that we can’t do as masterfully as we would like. Instead of throwing up our arms and giving up, we can recognize our shortcomings, and take purposeful steps to improve. Perhaps you know that giving effective presentations at work will lead to more career opportunities, but you feel very uncomfortable and unsure of yourself when it comes to public speaking. To build confidence, you will need to follow the Triple P Formula – Plan, Prepare and Practice.
To apply this, you need to start with a Plan. Determine what you need to do and create actionable items with target dates for completion. This will help you clarify and itemize all the necessary steps you will need to take. Once the Plan is established, you can Prepare. This includes actually writing your speech. Last, but not least, is Practice. Or rather, practice, practice, practice! Each time you practice, your confidence will grow. And as you continue giving more and more presentations, you will shift your limitation into an asset.
Assess And Adjust – Confidence building is a choice. It’s also a process. First, we have to choose that we want to be more confident. And then we have to take action.
Once you enact one of the above confidence-boosting strategies, your work has started. But it should be a continual effort. Incorporate different strategies as needed and evaluate your progress over time. With the right effort, you’ll start to notice improvements. As you gain more momentum, your confidence will continue to blossom. Before you know it, you’ll surprise yourself with how far you’ve come.
