On more than a few occasions, I’ve had my butt handed to me. I’ve felt utterly destroyed after losing a job. I’ve been dumped on my head in the middle of an intimate relationship. I’ve been spun in circles by money challenges. And I’ve been emotionally wrecked over the loss of loved ones. There came a point in dealing with each of these circumstances when I knew “intellectually” that it was time to move on. I’ve read countless leadership articles and numerous books on the subject of moving forward after challenging episodes, and I’ve even facilitated workshops on change. Even so, moving forward is easier said than done when you’re faced with hitting rock bottom and feeling totally stuck in the mud. In time, I’ve observed that moving forward (after falling on your face) boils down to leaving 3 things behind.
Needless to say, passion, desire and ambition are key elements in achieving one’s goals. Rarely, if ever, are we cautioned against the perils of passionate 100% commitment–but the fact is, even commitment comes at a price–most especially when it gets out of balance with the whole of your life. Of course, some people are skilled at balancing out their personal lives with their passion for a successful endeavor. However, it can go the other way: passion, desire, and ambition often turns into obsession, adversely affecting relationships, sense of self, and physical health. And even if you’ve done everything right, the unspeakable can still happen: FAILURE. What then?
#1 Old Identities
My first big lesson in letting go and moving forward was to seriously consider the identity I’d created (and cemented) for myself. In my head, I was a rock star. I had high-end, high-paying clients and a huge ego– hell, I was posting online articles before blogging had even come into vogue. When I changed careers, I lost everything that gave me a sense of success, professionally, and found myself at square one. It was a very disempowering and scary feeling, and I couldn’t stand it. I began clinging to “how things used to be”, reminiscing about “the good ol’ days” (for extended hours) comparing every opportunity in my current life with past opportunities. My old identity was at the helm of most of my day to day decisions, and it was steering me in the WRONG direction! I was absolutely stuck, living in the past, and I didn’t even know it.
Fortunately, in time, the fact that I was making myself miserable and causing my own anxiety became self-evident. I realized it was time to put the old Chris to rest and to embrace the opportunity to create a new me and a new career path. Most importantly, I understood that I was the ONLY person with the power to decide who I would become.
As I look back on other times in my life when I’d gone through a similar crisis–trying to untangle my identity from a job loss, a failed relationship, and even my identity as a son after the loss of a parent, I see that in each circumstance, I was faced with the task of letting go of my old identity and willingly embracing the process of creating a new one. But, as I said earlier– it was never easy.
#2 Old Friends
In the acclaimed classic “Think and Grow Rich,” Napoleon Hill asserts that one’s world view, personal philosophy, and in some cases–one’s income are the sum total of the 5 people with whom one interacts the most. For me, this poses a quandary: What happens when you can’t tell whether those 5 people are moving you forward or holding you back?
Lesson #2: In order to let go of your old identity and establish a new one–you might need to make new friends and let go of old ones. For those of you interested in astrology, my sun sign is Taurus; we are known for being very hard-headed and doggedly-loyal to a fault. The idea of turning my back on people I regard as close friends was unthinkable. These are the people with whom I associate and identify the most. (See lesson #1.) However, to move forward, I had to face the fact that some of my so-called “close” friends were keeping me stuck in the same place through their comments and actions–(some subtle and unwitting, some NOT-so-subtle or unwitting). Once I recognized the adverse effects of these interactions, I realized I needed to distance myself from these people in order to move forward. In some cases, I need to sever ties completely. I was fortunate to have a handful of friends who were very supportive of this process, and those were the people who’ve remained in my life to this day–my TRUE friends who filled me with positive thoughts, offered constructive insights to ponder, and most importantly, gave me unadulterated encouragement to let go and move forward. (Side note: If you’re wondering about the identities of these five people…just for grins: The first five names stored in my cell phone under “favorites” happen to be the ones! (Congratulations, Will Turner! You squeaked in at #5.)
#3 Old Dreams
This was the hardest lesson for me: the willingness to let go of a long-held dream. Again this goes against every leadership and success axiom I have ever embraced. Sometimes when you hit the ground in flames you don’t just dust yourself off and try it again. Sometimes you’ve got to change directions entirely in order to move forward to your next big challenge. What I’m speaking about here is not confined to the realm of career; for me, personally, this all pertains to an extended period of time when Amanda and I were trying to have a child. At some point, in order for me to truly move on with my life, I had to muster the courage to let go of a long-standing dream (9 years) of having a child. It was incredibly hard but in doing so, I experienced the freedom to move on. I threw all of my passion, ambition and desire into creating RefuseOrdinary with Will. I figured, if I was unable to bring a child into the world, I’d give birth to a company.
The application here is pretty profound. Once your dream is truly crushed, either as a result of decisions you’ve made or events beyond your control, you feel like you just had your butt handed to you. As you go through the stages of change, coming to the point of letting go of a long-held dream can often be the hardest part of the process, but it’s an inevitable step if you sincerely hope to move forward.
Call it fate, divine intervention, or a statistical miracle, after my wife and I BOTH utterly let go of the dream of ever having children and focused our efforts on chasing new dreams, Amanda got pregnant–(4 months after Will and I initiated the ground work for Refuse Ordinary). For the record, I still have many friends without children, I understand that we were very, very fortunate, and I will never take that for granted.
I’m not a psychologist or counselor (great resources if you need help through something like this by the way), but I can say, without hesitation, that the willingness to let go of my old identity, some old relationships and some long-held dreams was unequivocally instrumental in moving me forward in my career and most importantly, in my life.
What are you willing to leave behind in order to move your life forward? Some parting questions to ask yourself:
- Who do you want to become (your new identity) in the next year or two. When you are ready, what actions can you take to start that journey?
- Who are your 5 closest friends? If you were to be totally honest, are these people moving your life forward or holding you back?
- What would happen if you let go of one of your old dreams in order to make room for a completely new one? Who could you share that dream with?
