Valentine’s Day is coming up this Friday, and it inspires me to tell you about a conversation I recently had with my wife over breakfast. I asked her if she thought our relationship was a matter of fate, or if she thought it was something we’d worked hard to create over the years. She paused for a moment and then said, “I think it’s both, and the story of my engagement ring illustrates this point perfectly because of the journey it took before landing on my finger.”
I remember when I was about 12 years old, hanging out with my girlfriend one day, giggling about boys, romance and future husbands…and she asked me what my fantasy engagement ring would look like. I told her, “I know this is corny, but I want a heart-shaped diamond, sitting all by itself on top of a silver ring.” Even back then, I knew this was a silly wish because what man would ever propose to his girlfriend with something as cutesy as a heart-shaped diamond ring??
Well, not only would the ring of my girlhood dreams manifest exactly in the shape and setting I’d imagined, it turned out to be a family heirloom. Your father had gotten down on his knee and proposed to your Mom with this very ring, and she said yes— and that ‘yes’ led to the birth of three beautiful children, my future husband being one of them.
Over the years, you’ve shared stories of that ring as it moved through your life. On countless occasions, you’d witnessed your mother’s ritual of standing in front of the kitchen sink, getting ready to wash the vegetables she’d pulled out of her garden. It was always the same: She’d slip the ring off her finger and gently place it on a little ring holder shaped like a country mouse, perched on the window sill. I’ve also seen you cringe as you’ve recounted the times that same ring came at you 100 miles an hour in the form of a back hand when you acted up. There are so many memories of your mom wrapped up in this ring, but the most heartwarming is the story of how you came to possess it.
After your mother passed, your father kept the ring in a safe place. Being an old-fashioned man, he’d promised the ring to his sons if ever they should want it for a betrothed– and in keeping with tradition, the ring was supposed to go to the first inline, to your big brother Chad. However, by the time you were ready to be engaged, marriage wasn’t even on the horizon for him. It was a difficult conversation to approach, and you guys never had an easy relationship (to say the least) but still– you mustered the courage to be open and honest with him about the ring, and it ended with his blessing. Afterwards, you naturally asked your father’s permission for the ring, which he also granted. Being who you are, you also thought it would be best to run the whole thing by your youngest brother for the last bit of encouragement and approval. Only after all these steps did you feel 100% comfortable in taking possession of the ring.
So as far as I’m concerned, the ring not only symbolizes our love, but the love between your mother and father, and the love and acceptance of your brothers. I do think it was fate that brought this stone to my finger; however, you had to work very hard to obtain it.
You and I also work on our marriage every day, sharing laughs and leaving goofy notes around the house, calling each other just to say “hey,” going on daily walks together with the dogs and with Logan, (our daughter) supporting each other in our professional endeavors, holding each other up through family tragedies. We even get up early every day so we can grab 15 minutes of quiet time before Logan wakes up. I don’t consider any of these things fate. They represent the fruits of our labor– the “work” we put into our relationship. And we do this out of love, so it doesn’t seem like work.
So getting back to your question– is our wonderful relationship the result of the work we pour into it, or the result of some cosmic hand of fate– I’d say it’s a LOT of both.”
My wife and I have a special relationship. We love each other very much, and we tend to our relationship like a beautiful garden. The way in which the garden is designed, planted, and arranged is clearly the result of our hard work, but the beauty and bounty of it is granted to us by God’s hand. It’s the perfect balance of labor, love, and destiny.
To my wonderful wife and partner, Amanda.
