Getting into a routine can be a good thing. It helps create consistency and predictability especially when you stick to it day in and day out. However, when EVERYTHING in your life becomes a routine, it can lead to an energy-sucking grind that can throw you into a rut. That rut is not confined to work either; it usually spills over into your personal life. When this happens, it can diminish your “spark” and have a negative effect on every aspect of your life, including your relationships.
If you are like me, chances are you pour much of your energy into work, and what little you have left gets distributed amongst friends, significant others, and children. If this pattern continues, over time, you have nothing left to give anyone and you hit the wall. I learned this lesson the hard way: if you don’t spend time reenergizing your own spark, you won’t have anything left for yourself or for others. My wife, (Amanda) and I both recognized a dire need to reenergize the respective spark in our lives.
To start with, when you have a 17 month old and run a business, your life becomes one big schedule. Routines must be put into place in order to get daily household and business tasks knocked out. Unfortunately, after many months of following the exact same routine, it was starting to wear on my sanity and my energy. I became frantic about how much time I had (or didn’t have) remaining to complete one task before rushing to the next. By the time my wife came home from work, I was fried, and yet, I had no choice but to keep going. Amanda was kind enough to take care of our daughter for a half-hour so I could squeeze in a quick workout in before rushing to get a meal on the table. After Logan was put to bed, we’d both rally and take care of a few late-night business items before slowing down enough to catch a few minutes of meaningful conversation.
Like tired solders, we would trudge up the stairs and go to bed, only to wake up and start the whole routine again! As a result, our relationship was changing. We were both feeling less like passionate partners and more like busy roommates.
The spark between us was not entirely gone, but it wasn’t exploding with energy either. On a hot July evening last year, after our daughter was asleep, we decide to do something about this. We went over all the fun things we wanted to do and the things we used to do before our life became a repetitive grind. We narrowed the pleasurable activities down to a few feasible things we truly enjoyed. Then we broke the activities into three categories: “just for her,” “just for him,” and “just for us.” We came up with a unique way to inject some fun into our routines and break up the grind.
A crucial step was to create a mindset around these activities that would relay the need for them to become a priority, and would also create the expectation of something exciting. What better way than to refer to the activities as dates!
I’d like to share our findings with you, and how we came up with 3 types of dates in an effort put the spark back into our lives.
Surprise Date Just For Her
As tightly-scheduled as my life was, my wife’s schedule was even more complicated. We needed to figure out something that would help her get her mojo back, and it all started from her love of surprises! At the top of Amanda’s list of activities was paddle boarding. I wanted Amanda to enjoy something she loves to do with a friend without worrying about work, our daughter, or even me. About two years ago we met someone who is as much of an outdoor enthusiast as we are. Her name is Rebecca, and as luck would have it she is big into paddle boarding. I asked if she would be willing to help me figure out a way to surprise my wife with a “Girls Only” paddle board outing. She agreed and we cleverly arranged a secret rendezvous at Pocahontas State Park.
To begin the ploy, I “scheduled” a family walk with the dogs for that Saturday and secretly threw in a bag with her bathing suit, towel, and sunscreen. When we arrived at lake to begin our hike, I noticed a big grin from ear to ear on my wife’s face as we parked next to Rebecca.
It was a huge hit with Amanda, and I got a great feeling of satisfaction, having put the surprise together. While they were away for 3 hours, I packed some snacks, rounded up the dogs, and went on an awesome hike with my daughter, Logan. When we all caught up at the boat ramp, we watched Mommy glide up on her paddleboard relaxed, rejuvenated, and recharged.
Spark Date Tip: Create a surprise date for a loved one. Get friends involved to make it even more fun!
Planned Date Just For Him
As many of you know, I’m a work-at-home dad so I have full plate. My wife saw that my spark was pretty much beat out of me and that I desperately needed a break from the grind. Juggling tasks was not the only challenge; the real spark-sucker was my self-induced sense of unfulfilled obligation to my family. In other words, I carried around a lot of guilt about dividing my time between work and my family. Amanda decided I needed a guilt-free evening with some of my friends. She accomplished this by assuring me it was OK to take time for myself, knowing I would be a better husband and father for having done it. (She also knew she’d enjoy the one-on-one time with Logan.)
She was right, and this is how we figured it out. I’m part of a networking group in Williamsburg, VA, and we meet a few times a month on Thursday evenings. Customarily, in an attempt to be the dutiful husband, I rush straight home after these meetings. But now, in keeping with finding a “just for him” activity, I saw an opportunity to go out for drinks and dinner with my friends after the meeting, to relax, swap stories, and just catch up and have some fun.
I had NO idea how refreshing it would be to talk with collogues and friends without having to concern myself with work or changing diapers. By indulging in this “date” twice a month now, I’ve been more productive, I’ve got more energy, I am able to be more attentive to my family, and I feel reconnected to my friends, overall. The spark is back!
Spark Date Tip: It’s normal to feel guilty about not giving enough time to people you care about–especially members of your immediate family. The problem, however, is that you cut yourself out of the equation, and end up tending to everybody else’s needs, and forgetting about yours. Eventually, this self-neglect will take its toll, and you will find yourself running on empty.
So start scheduling some time to re-charge your batteries, to do something pleasurable–just for yourself. You’ll feel rejuvenated and energized, and you’ll have more energy for everyone else you care about!
Excursion Date Just For Us
It’s no big secret that having a date night can rekindle the flame in a relationship. Date night for me and Amanda, more times than not, has consisted of pizza, a sci-fi movie, and maybe a sitter. Enjoyable as that may be, it can get a little repetitive. So we wondered: How about a whole 48-hour date? Now that would be awesome!
My wife and I originally met at Wintergreen Resort, back in the mid 90’s. We both love to ski, but neither of us has touched the snow in over 2 years. So we called up the grandparents to see if they were open to taking their granddaughter for an overnighter. Not only were they excited about it, they were proud of us for taking some time to spend with each other.
And so, our big date began! A special dinner and whole night, just for ourselves! Fantastic! (It had been SO long!) The next morning, we met up with some more friends at the ski resort and had a full day of skiing. The food was amazing, the conversations were hilarious, and the skiing was epic!
At the end of our 48-hour world tour, Amanda and I were best friends again, talking about old times, giggling all the way home and remarking how much we’d been missing each other.
Spark Date Tip: Find a way to physically get away from your regular routine for a full 48 hours and do something you truly love to do! It’s an extra bonus, of course, if you share that passion with someone else and can bring that person along with you!
All work and no play makes everyone lose their spark over time. So rejuvenate yourself by taking some time to recharge, however that works best for you. Some people like doing this alone, some recharge around others, some like spontaneous adventures, while others like to plan their recreation. One way or the other, Amanda and I have learned that we are better business owners, friends, spouses, and parents, simply by routinely making time for our much-needed dates!
What kind of dates can you schedule to put the spark back into your life and relationships?
