In a call last week with several clients, there was a prevailing trend. The women in the group had all been dealing with different levels of life’s challenges – from divorce to struggling businesses to challenges with kids, to making new career choices, etc. On a very positive note, they all seemed genuinely excited to be on the right path to regain themselves. Yet, one issue kept rearing its ugly head. And it’s an issue, we see more with women than men.
The issue is self-esteem or, in this case, a level of self-confidence that has been gnawed away and eroded little by little by life’s bumpy road. Interestingly, our level of self-confidence has a ripple effect on everything we do and think. So if we want to get to a better space, we have to address it head on.
To change our self-confidence, we need to change how we feel emotionally about ourselves. We need to get down to the core of how we view ourselves, and to do that, we need to challenge at least two core beliefs.
The first core belief that impacts self-confidence is a common one. It is one that simply says, “I’m not good enough.” Depending on the person, it may be related to how we look, how smart we are, how much money we make, how good a mother/wife we are, etc. One of the women on the call explained, “I don’t have a college degree and I’ve always felt like that holds me back, even though I know I have the talent and skills to do my job.”
Another said, “I’ve always been shy. Or at least I called it shyness. After you challenged whether it was a self-confidence issue, I started reflecting on whether my shyness really was a lack of self-confidence. And I think it is.”
The second core belief that is related to a lack of self-confidence is the image of perfection that we hold in our heads. Specifically, we all have an image of what we think success looks like. It’s the way we “should” be and we associate happy emotions and contentment with that ideal vision. So when our current vision doesn’t match up to the perfect one, we are self-critical and judgmental. This judgment deepens our feelings of unworthiness and squelches our self-confidence.
So do you have an “I’m not good enough” story that is replaying in your mind over and over? Do you have some deep-rooted beliefs that are at the foundation of some of your unhappiness?
If so, there are two things that need to be done. First, you need to change the beliefs that are currently causing the negative judgment. And second, you have to change your emotional state as it relates to your new beliefs. In other words, shifting or changing your image of success is a first step, but it does not permanently change the little voice in your head. That’s why many people get to a place of higher achievement and still struggle with feeling unfulfilled or a sense of lacking.
So what specifically should you do? What are the right steps to build your self-confidence, create beliefs that push you forward (instead of holding you back) and silence that negative voice in your head that makes you feel like crap?
Next week (in Part 2), I’ll share the specifics – seven strategies to rebuild your self-confidence. In the meantime, go back to the question I posed earlier, “So do you have an ‘I’m not good enough’ story that is replaying in your mind over and over?” Examine what it is and where it is coming from? Examine how it makes you feel and how it may be holding you back. We’ll build on that in Part 2.
