Last week, I shared a common struggle I see with many of my female clients (although men have it too). It’s an underlying belief that shakes their self-confidence and makes them feel like they cannot truly measure up to their “ideal” self. And I left you with some questions to consider:
“So what specifically should you do? What are the right steps to build your self-confidence, create beliefs that push you forward (instead of holding you back) and silence that negative voice in your head that makes you feel like crap?”
As promised, let’s get into the specifics – here are seven strategies to rebuild your self-confidence:
1. Do Some Self-Reflection – What are your “limiting” beliefs? Specifically, what beliefs do you have about yourself where you feel like you’re not good enough for some reason? What is your belief about your “ideal” or “perfect” self? How do you compare at this point in time with that “perfect” you? How does that make you feel? If your beliefs are moving you forward and in alignment with your “perfect” self, reinforce it. If not, move on to the next strategy.
2. Challenge – Once you have a “limiting” belief out in the open or as I like to say, “You’ve dragged it out into the light of day,” it’s time to challenge it. The best way to do that is to look at evidence that contradicts your belief. So let’s look at the example that I gave in Part 1 of this article of the woman who felt like she just wasn’t good enough because she didn’t have a college education. To “challenge” her limiting belief, she would start by listing all the reasons why she was great at her job despite not having a college education. For example, she would note her experience with clients who loved her work, recognized her talent and appreciated her skills. She would also examine how, in her case, the School of “Hard Knocks” put her in a better space to push herself and use real-world learning and her natural gifts to shine. Once you challenge your limiting beliefs, you can then change it to better reflect your new understanding. In this example, my client would shift a limiting belief of “I’m not good enough, because I don’t have a college education” to a more positive version like “My experience, hard-work and talents make me a true asset to my clients.”
3. Seek Help & Insights – By seeking help and feedback from others, you are better able to see your strengths and weaknesses and get an objective reflection of some of your talents. So identify a couple people whose opinions you respect. It can be a colleague or manager at work or a friend who has your best interest at heart. Ask them to list your strengths and weaknesses with specific observations and examples. Without looking at their list, write your own. Then compare the lists. Look for both the disconnects and the similarities in your lists. Identify opportunities to utilize your strengths and repeat the positive examples given in your feedback. Note: While getting feedback from others can be very helpful, recognize that primary importance should be given to your own sense of personal success.
4. Understand Healthy Self-Doubt – To strengthen your self-regard, you must understand the difference between healthy and unhealthy self-doubt. For example, healthy self-doubt is about knowing and accepting an area of weakness. So you may have doubts about your ability to present in front of a group without being nervous. And you recognize that this is an area that you need to work on to improve. Unhealthy self-doubt, on the other hand, results from negative emotions and negative self-talk without evidence to support it. In other words, you convince yourself that you can’t do something or you can’t do something well even when you haven’t made the effort. Look for evidence of unhealthy self-doubt and embrace the challenge. A good way to recognize these limiters is to catch yourself whenever you say, “I can’t…” Ask yourself, “Why can’t I?” Then examine ways you can change the negative self-talk and move yourself forward.
5. Recalibrate And Forgive – Sometimes the vision of your ideal or ‘perfect’ self can keep you from embracing the more realistic, non-perfect version. Embrace your strengths and be ok with your flaws. Let’s face it, nobody’s perfect (including you). Holding onto perfectionism or having this version of everything in your life being perfect is a set-up for disappointment and guilt, which will only feed your negative self-image. In fact, guilt for not living up to your unrealistic expectations can cast you into a negative spiral. Learn to forgive yourself when you don’t measure up. The research shows that self-criticism does not lead to improved performance so shake off the fumbles and move forward doing the best that you can in the moment.
6. Change The Voice – Are you your biggest critic? If you are always looking at why you’re not ‘good enough,’ there is some work that you need to do. To get rid of that negative voice in your head, the first step is to raise your awareness. What are those reels that are running in your head? What do you say to yourself? Pay attention to the language in your self-talk. You want to move the language away from the negative and toward a focus on the positive. Using positive self-talk or affirmations can be a great tool to realign your self-talk to a healthy self-image and help rebuild your self-confidence. Affirmations should be written in the first person, present tense. They should be stated positively, so no use of the word “not” or other negative contractions like “won’t” or “doesn’t.” An example of a bad affirmation would be “I will not eat junk food.” Restating that correctly, you would have, “I am a healthy eater.” Or simply “I eat healthy.”
7. Feel Good – Recognize and appreciate yourself. In other words, feel good about yourself. It seems simple, but it can be challenging for many. To be genuinely content and happy, you must have a strong sense of who you are and what makes you special. Take time each day to recognize your talents, gifts and contribution; no matter how small or large. If you struggle with this one, decide on one thing you can do each day that will make you feel good – reach out to a friend, help a neighbor, volunteer, meditate, exercise, eat healthy, focus on a goal, etc. When you are done, spend a moment to positively reflect on it.
