I think of myself as a pretty happy guy. In fact, when it comes to mental conditioning, managing stress and keeping a positive outlook, I’ve been an avid student, practitioner and teacher for many years. So what happens when life throws you some really hard curveballs? Can you always be positive?
I don’t want to pretend to imply that sometimes it’s not really, really hard. And sometimes, in the moment, it can be especially difficult. It’s easy to get in our own way. I know that I’m guilty. Our emotions can cloud are judgment or get the better of us. And frankly, sometimes it’s a heck of a lot easier to just feel angry or sorry for ourselves.
Case in point, on Saturday I was meeting my Mom at the rehab facility where she has been since her last release from the hospital. It was supposed to be an upbeat visit. After three months of hospitalization and rehab care, she had just gotten permission earlier in the week to be able to leave the facility for brief excursions. When given the good news, she wasted no time in arranging to get her hair done; something that she had been denied by circumstances for months. I came to pick her up at 4:00 p.m. to whisk her away to her hair appointment, so she could feel “normal” again.
As I was walking down the long hallway to her room, I was greeted by one of the hall nurses. She warned me that Mom was crying in her room. It was the first sign of things to come. I arrived and she was sitting on the bed, upset and in obvious discomfort. She had waited 40 minutes to get assistance from one of the staff to go to the restroom and consequently her stomach was still in knots and the cramping had not completely subsided.
As I desperately tried to shift to the pleasant activities ahead, she wanted nothing of it. She was consumed with her own pain and what she had just gone through. She even whimpered that I could just push her out the car door when we got on our way… presumably to end it all and put her out of her misery.
Before I go on, I want to say that my mother is generally pretty positive and to her full credit, she has been through more than many could endure over the last three months. So I’m not passing judgment or being unsympathetic to her situation. And there is much more to the story and the momentary frustration she was feeling than what I’m sharing.
I realized I needed to create a shift. Both for myself to deal with this situation and for her so that she could move on. When you know and love someone, sometimes you intuitively understand what will work in a given situation. I quickly assessed my options and went into “Parent Mode.” In very frank language, I calmly acknowledged her unfortunate situation and then explained that if she wanted to stay in the facility and not get her hair done, she could choose that option. Or she could take a deep breath, let go of what she was angry and frustrated about and we could enjoy the opportunity that awaited.
There were a few other hurdles that we had to jump over before “escaping” but we did it with little fanfare and the evening was a huge success. Of course, my Mom is not alone in letting something derail what I call a “happy opportunity.”
Recently, I was with a friend whose mood went from great to downright pitiful because of difficult news from a client. He had just received a call that a big deal wasn’t coming together as planned and there was now a “whoa is me crapfest” wreaking havoc on his day (his work and his life). Had he not received the phone call, everything would have been fine and we could have enjoyed the rest of our time together without a worry in the world. After a little coaching on my part, I was able to show him that there were positive things he could do about the “bad news” and there was no reason to let it destroy his day…his week…or anything else for that matter.
Is it easy to take difficult news? Of course not. Do we sometimes get upset or disappointed? You betcha.
Can we keep ourselves from getting derailed when sh*t happens? With practice and the right strategies, I think we can. Here are 10 strategies to help you find the silver lining, even when the clouds are gray and threatening.
1) Disconnect from your negative emotions
And the sooner the better. If you’re feeling bad, angry, frustrated or unhappy; recognize and acknowledge your negative emotion and dismiss it. I like to do a little self-talk at those difficult moments, “Are you really going to let this ruin your mood? Years ago after going through a divorce, I found that my ex had the uncanny ability to push my emotional hot buttons. I would get so angry and it would wreak havoc on me (you know how you hold onto something and it just festers inside you or you find yourself venting to others as a way to share your frustration and pain). At some point, I realized that my negative response was only hurting me and potentially my daughter. Nothing like a little perspective to make you realize what’s really important (see #2 and #3 below).
2) Recognize what you control
From my dealings with my ex of long ago, I learned another valuable lesson. You cannot control other people. And you often cannot control circumstances. You can, however, control your reaction to other people and to the circumstances you find yourself in. You can control your attitude. Getting yourself in a tizzy because you’ve been wronged (or life is unfair) neither solves the problem or helps you move on.
3) Put things in perspective
While we often get great perspective with time, it’s possible to shorten the ramp-up period. Simply put the bad situation in perspective? When someone is in a car accident, you will often hear, “It could have been a lot worse; no one was hurt.” We often let little things blow up and become much bigger and worse than they actually are. Will this “thing” that you’re upset about matter next week? Next month? Or next year? If the answer is “no,” move on to #4.
4) Let it go
Is something really worth the negativity? Will getting upset really solve the problem? A few years ago, I had two very expensive racing bikes stolen on my birthday. After the initial shock and admitted frustration, I immediately and consciously focused on letting go. I later posted something on facebook that it wasn’t the birthday that I had planned, and I would need to do some belated birthday shopping for myself. Months later, I ran into a friend who commented how he admired how calm I was over the whole incident. I knew that getting upset about the bikes and holding onto that anger would not change what had happened. My bikes would not magically reappear. It was time to move on.
5) Embrace the opportunity
There’s a quote from Winston Churchill that I often share with my clients when I’m doing a training session. “A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity. An optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” I always repeat it, because I want my clients to have it sink in. Change, new things, difficult things can be scary or they can be exciting. They can stop us in our tracks. They can derail us. Or we can push forward and be better and stronger from the experience.
Many people question my sanity with the extreme endurance sports that I do. I constantly hear, “Why do you want to do that?” The real reason is that by pushing myself past my comfort zone, I am able to handle anything that is thrown my way with more grace and confidence. I get to explore what scares and challenges me and I get to conquer my fears and insecurities and prove myself…to myself. It’s empowering and it’s like chugging a super elixir of “I’m a badass, so you better bring your best shot if you want to take me down” potion.
6) Change the mood
If the storm clouds start rolling in, another strategy is to mix things up. A workout to get some endorphins jumping around, some music to bring some “umph” to your “ugh” or a helping hand to take the focus away from you and onto someone else can give your day a jumpstart or a restart.
Here are a few songs that are guaranteed to shake you out of the doldrums.
Anastacia – I’m Outta Love
Pharrell Williams – Happy
Bruno Mars – Uptown Funk
7) Breathe
Self-awareness is the first step in all of these strategies. To go deeper while keeping it as simple as possible, just take a moment for a deep breath. Just breathe. Whether it’s one breath or an extended meditation or prayer session, taking a moment or moments to relax, breathe and center yourself will work wonders. The benefits of using the power of breath, meditation and mindfulness are plentiful and worth exploring if you want to de-stress your life and open yourself up to a healthier and more purposeful life.
An alternative version of this strategy is to pause and count. Do you feel your blood pressure rising in response to a person or situation? Stop and count to ten. Give yourself the luxury of time; it will often help you disconnect from the immediate rush of emotion and allow you time to react in a more measured manner.
8) Recognize triggers and change your response
Sometimes we have situations or people in our lives that can be a recurring source of negativity and stress. Perhaps, you find yourself arguing with your significant other over finances every time you sit down to pay the monthly bills. Or some other trigger results in a volcanic eruption. I had the situation with a significant other that when we got into a big fight, it escalated quickly. I would find myself yelling defensively and being shocked by how things rapidly spiraled out of control. After repeatedly failing to control ourselves, we were smart enough to recognize the pattern.
So with cooler heads, we sat down and discussed it. We learned to recognize the emotional triggers when our tempers started to flair and we were able to create a new pattern in response. Instead of launching into a “knock-down, drag-out,” we could calmly say, “let’s not go there.” We actually got to the point where we could laugh in the face of the storm and totally extinguish the flame before the dynamite was ignited.
9) Let go of your ego
Sometimes our egos get in the way. Most of us, myself included, have the need to be “right.” And that need to be “right,” is the way that our ego is fed and nourished. Often, it’s counterproductive however. I was talking to my friend Katie recently. She said that she was working with a client who demanded that a $25 fee on her bill be removed. Katie was very clear in her understanding that the woman was mistaken. At first, Katie’s ego wanted to prove that she was “right” and consequently “win” the battle. She quickly realized that by “fighting the woman,” both of them would get frustrated and upset and it was likely to be a mood-wrecker for the rest of her day. And in the long run, did upsetting the customer (even if she was wrong) and demanding the extra $25 really matter? So with a smile on her face, Katie turned to her client and said, “We appreciate your business. I’ll take care of that for you.”
10) Make the choice
Being happy or positive does not mean that you are living in some Pollyanna la-la land, it just means that you deliberately make a choice. You choose happiness over bitterness. You choose light over dark. You choose your attitude, your reactions and your behavior. And you refuse to play the victim or to host pity parties in your honor.
Yesterday, Mom said that she and my sister didn’t understand why I wanted to tackle the Double Anvil (a double iron distance race with a 4.8 mile swim, a 224 mile bike and a 52.4 mile run done within a 36-hour cut-off) in a few months. She then said that she “worries” as if it’s her responsibility as a mother to do so. I shared with her that she shouldn’t worry, particularly if I’m not. Worry doesn’t make things better. It’s a wasted negative emotion. She can choose to worry, but I won’t.
So the next time you’re faced with a tough situation, what will you do? Will you let it consume you, make you angry or ruin your day? Or will you take a different path? It’s your choice.
