We all have a group of folks we call our family, whether it’s made up of blood relatives, friends or work colleagues. In any case, there is usually a bit of tension within these relationships. My family is no different, and the tension within it can sometimes run unusually high–mainly due to our passionate opinions–and THAT is putting it mildly. One brother in particular received the lion’s share of this trait– my oldest brother, Chad. Our relationship was volatile since we were born. My mother would perpetuate the feud by regaling stories of “brotherly love” at various family events and parties.
One story in particular really captures the essence of our relationship in a nutshell. Chad had just put the finishing touches on his Lincoln Log palace, only to have me pretend I was Godzilla and smash the entire thing. My mother saved my life at that point, grabbing the hammer out of Chad’s hand as he was on the down stroke of burying the claw end of it deep into my brains with the intent to kill me. All of this occurred before we’d reached the age of 7.
The seething dislike brewed for years between us, and as we made our way through adolescence, the physical jabs turned into emotional ones, and left long-lasting scars. For years, I was convinced that Chad and I had nothing in common, and that we hated each other. This was my long-held belief, and under NO circumstances would this ever change.
Funny thing about beliefs – they tend to affect attitudes which tend to affect behavior, and behavior directly impacts the actions we take. Strong propelling beliefs can move us forward to do amazing things but in some cases, (as in the case with my brother) limiting beliefs can potentially hold you back. WAY back. It can be tricky, trying to figure out if a belief is propelling you forward or holding you back. Sometimes it’s just not that obvious.
When you have a strong-held belief, you look for evidence to support it–to reinforce that this belief is true. Conversely, if you find evidence that doesn’t support your personal belief –the tendency is to deflect and disregard it. In the case of my brother I had a strong limiting belief we had nothing in common. I was unaware of how limiting this was, but I had solid proof it was true. For example, I was into fishing and team sports and liked hanging out with Dad. He was into gardening, school and spending time with Mom. Anything we had in common was purely coincidental and had no bearing on our relationship … or so I thought.
This simple belief, that we shared nothing in common, was the spark that fueled decades of vicious interactions. It was so deep rooted it became a habit of thinking, and cemented my negative opinion of Chad, even up to early adulthood.
Only a few things will change a habit this ingrained in a relationship. One or both individuals involved must genuinely want to change, or something traumatic forces both parties to find a way to get along. For my brother and me, it was both.
It was a warm June day. I was returning from a short fishing trip with my younger brother, Cheston. I maneuvered the 4000 pound boat effortlessly, slipping it gently in the water next to the dock as I had done thousands of times before. I stepped onto the wooden deck and was greeted by my childhood nemesis, Chad. His eyes looked deep into mine and he gently touched my shoulder and drew me into an embrace. For the first time in our lives we found ourselves in a brotherly hug. What allowed us to do this? We had nothing in common. I hated this guy, and we’d NEVER done anything like this before. What changed?
I was out fishing to clear my head and wanted the company of my little brother. My mother was in the final stages of a horrible battle with lung cancer. Unbeknownst to me, while out in the center of the Chesapeake Bay…our mother had finally passed away.
Chad saw that I was hurting, and he knew I wasn’t going to let anyone see how badly I was hurting, especially after the news he was about to break! He knew we needed to put aside our distrust and our anger and just be brothers. He was strong enough to silence his belief that we had nothing in common and replace it with a new one. We were brothers and it is the one thing we will always have in common- forever. When we replaced the limiting belief that we had nothing in common with a new propelling belief (that we had “something” in common) our relationship shaped into something we never thought possible.
Yesterday, almost 16 years later, we got on the phone for what has become our “weekly catch-up call.” We talked about the meals we cooked for our spouses and the hikes we were planning for later that day. We even chatted about our respective fuel pumps that had recently blown up on our vehicles. This warm conversation even had a few rolling belly laughs in it and lasted over an hour. When I got off the phone it dawned on me that we actually have a lot in common, and I’m glad to have Chad as my big brother.
What beliefs are you holding onto? Spend some time doing a little soul-searching, especially if you’ve got situations in your life you’d like to change. Explore how one or more of your beliefs might be a limiting belief. Once you identify a limiting belief, ask yourself how you might be holding yourself back, (personally, and possibly even professionally) by continuing to hang onto this belief.
Here are some examples of limiting beliefs:
- I’m not good with money.
- I never have any time to work out.
- I don’t enjoy teaching.
- I never feel successful in my chosen field.
- I have nothing in common with my co-worker.
Ways to begin shaping limiting beliefs into propelling beliefs:
- Maybe I could learn to become better with money if I took a class.
- Maybe I could find 10 minutes during the day to walk in my neighborhood.
- I might enjoy teaching if I could identify a skill that would be fun to teach.
- I might feel more successful in my job if I could see steady progress towards a specific goal.
- Maybe if I were to take time to get to know my co-worker, I’d find that we do have some things in common.
Propelling beliefs replacing former limiting beliefs:
- I’m better with money because I signed up for an online course.
- I’m more active now because I’m walking 10 minutes a day.
- I enjoy teaching creative writing now and I’m mentoring my nephew.
- I’m feeling successful at work because I named a goal, and each day I’m tracking my progress.
- I do share common interests with my co-worker because I spent time getting to know her better.
So, what beliefs are YOU hanging onto? Are they propelling you forward, or are they holding you back and if they are holding you back, what can you start doing about it!
