I was recently talking to a client who felt stuck. I had observed that he was conflicted. And from our discussions, I shared with him that I thought he “should start giving boldness more room to breathe” in him. The reason for my advice was that I could sense his real yearning for more and while he was taking baby steps forward, each step seemed to be cautious. He was continually checking himself, doubting himself and being tentative.
Like many folks, he had the feeling that he had to wait until “the time was right.” But when is the timing ever right. As a reformed perfectionist, I understand the trap of waiting until everything is just perfect.
I asked my friend to ruminate over a couple of questions. My intent was to get him to think out of his comfort zone and see that when he had done so in the past, the world had not blown up. In fact, I was pretty sure that his self-reflection would give him some evidence to support a new mindset. Getting into his head (and eventually into his belief system) was the first step to shifting him from his comfortable and steady status.
The questions I asked him to think about were:
- Have you ever been bolder (and less cautious) than normal and had a great or positive experience?
- What was that like for you?
I wanted his answers to the questions to demonstrate to him that there have been times when he has acted in bolder ways. I equate it to standing on the edge of a pool. You can dip your toe in the water or you can jump in! It takes more courage to jump in, but I’ve always found it to be more exhilarating.
I waited anxiously to hear his progress. I was hoping for a big shift or an “aha” of some sort. Instead, I got this response:
Your idea of taking life more boldly has hit a chord within me, but I don’t know how to act on it. Problem is I don’t know what I want; I’m so overwhelmed with day-to-day “fires” that I don’t really have any dreams for the future. There are some old things I keep ruminating in my head to get done, but I’m not passionate about any of them. I live daily by getting as many things done, finding comforts for myself, and laying my head down and falling to sleep quickly. There seems to be NO end to chores, work, and special projects.
His response was not totally unexpected, because he’s not alone. Do you ever feel stuck and despite wanting something more, you find yourself just staying busy and getting by. And waiting for the “time to be right” to make a shift.
One of the concerns I shared with him was that time is our enemy. Deceptively it escapes us, the days and months fly by in a whirl of “being busy.” And before we know it, years have passed and we find ourselves in the same predicament, being unfulfilled and wanting more.
With the coaching work that I do, one of the tools I use to help my clients get unstuck is a series of visioning exercises. In the case of my client, he was not even sure of what he wanted so visioning seemed a bit overwhelming. So the approach needed to be tempered. I started with a Dream Inventory Exercise. The process is simple, you sit down at your laptop or with a blank piece of paper. I actually prefer to do it on paper because I feel that writing things by hand causes a deeper connection internally. The next step is to write down ALL your dreams.
This step requires you to let go and give yourself the freedom to think of all the things you want to have, become or do in your life. You get to imagine an ideal world where you are not limited by your past or your own perceptions of what you think your future will hold. The dreams you write down should be everything you can think of – small dreams, as well as big, bold dreams and everything in-between. You can add to your Dream Inventory over time, but on your first pass, I want you to not stop until you come up with at least 25 dreams. As you write your dreams down, you should put the date beside each one (not the date you want to achieve your dream but when you recorded it). This anchoring has benefits down the road.
Once you’ve put a dent in your dream inventory, the next step is to look at those dreams that really resonate with you. Can you see items that really get you excited? Can you detect your passion? Can you see where you need to shift to be more fulfilled and happy? Can you see how more boldness will give you more of what you truly want?
The interesting thing about this exercise, from my experience, is that often people start off with dreams of what they want (material possessions and comforts) and the more they reflect and dig deeper (or the more evolved they are already), the more they shift to who they want to become. This is where I find that being bolder has more room to breathe, when we start to fully embrace our gifts and our passions and live a life that is not bound or restricted by ourselves or others.
Of course, there is more work to do from here, but with the right guidance and effort, the journey starts to get exciting. As we start to shape those dreams into a vision, we can then articulate goals and plans to move from where we are to where we want to be. If you’re on the right path you will know it.
Recently, I envisioned the boldest dream I’ve ever conceived for myself. I have written out a BHAG (Big Hairy Audacious Goal) and have started the process of creating the plan and action steps I need to take to get there. The final achievement of Phase I of this goal will not be completed for three years, yet I’m so excited by it that I have woken up in the middle of the night on several occasions bursting with ideas. For me, personally, the bolder the better. Because it is with boldness that I become most energized and passionate.
While an audaciously bold goal is scary, I personally have learned to embrace the fear. I use it to push me forward, instead of hold me back. I use one of my favorite quotes as a guidepost, “If your dream doesn’t scare you, it’s not big enough.”
