It happened to me 19 years ago. In some ways, it seems like a lifetime ago, but in other ways, it seems like yesterday. I was going through a divorce. And not a pretty one, I might add. (And that’s an understatement!) Despite my efforts to extend the olive branch, my ex was having no part of it. Just to paint the picture, I hired a lawyer who was known for her mediation skills and her sense of fairness in bringing compromise to the equation. My wife, on the other hand, hired the “We’ll nail this bastard to the wall and take him for every penny he’s worth (or will ever be worth)” attorney.
Before I knew it, we were in a bitter custody battle and my relationship with my daughter was in jeopardy. You see, my ex was planning to remarry and move three hours away with our daughter. I remember hearing the news and feeling like my heart was being ripped out of my chest.
I’ll spare you the gory details of which there are many. When all the dust settled, I was essentially “nailed to the wall.” I was living in Richmond, but my daughter was now almost three hours away in Salem, Virginia. I maintained every other weekend visitation and extended times together in the summer and over the holidays. But it meant that I would miss so much of Crandall’s growing up on a day-to-day basis.
Luckily, I resorted to an exercise that I knew from working with clients. It’s called the Life-Wheel Exercise (and I can send you a copy of it, if you would like). It is composed of two life wheels, one for your personal life and one for your professional life. Each of the wheels is divided into segments (like slices of a pie). One of the segments of the Personal Wheel is Family.
In the exercise, you simply shade the amount of potential you are realizing in each area of your life on a regular (i.e. daily/weekly) basis from 0% to 100%, so you can quickly see where you are and, more specifically, where you might want to improve.
I noticed when I was shading in the Family Section of my Personal Wheel, that because of my circumstances with my daughter, I wasn’t where I wanted to be. There was a real disconnect between the father that I wanted to be and what I thought my circumstances were allowing me to be.
Because of work, it wasn’t possible for me to relocate to be closer to my daughter. So I had to look at other strategies to build that father-daughter bond. And so I asked myself the magic question:
What can I do to be the best father I can be given the circumstances that I have to live with?
You can use the same question and substitute “father” for boss, employee, daughter, etc. Or you can change the question to fit your own challenge – How can I be the healthiest me? How can I be the most spiritual me? How can I be the most financially-secure me? You get the point. You look for what you CAN do given the circumstances and not let your circumstances stand in the way or be an EXCUSE for not being able to have what you want.
In my brainstorming of the question of how I could be the best father, I knew that being present and focused on my daughter during the times we were together was critical. But that wasn’t enough. Even though I didn’t want it to be the way it was, I felt a bit like a Disney Dad – get my daughter for the weekend, have great fun and then return her. It wasn’t enough for me. And I knew ultimately it wouldn’t be the best for my daughter either…call it a father’s intuition. (Actually, because of my intuition and my own desires, I had read and done lots of research in my quest to be the best dad I could be. I knew that my daughter would be impacted significantly by the type of relationship we would be able to maintain as she grew up. And the stakes were too high to let either of us down.)
So the next question (which is just as important) is, “What else can I do?” For me, the answer was pretty clear. I needed a way to connect with my then 5 year-old daughter on a daily basis. I wanted a way that she would know and understand that even though I couldn’t physically be there, I was always thinking about her and she was the most important thing in my life.
Granted this was way before IM and texting, so communicating with a five-year old meant one of two things. I had to write or call my daughter. And so I did. Every day.
As it turned out, by the time my daughter got to high school, she came to live with me for a period of time when she and her mom were not seeing eye-to-eye. But along the way as she got older, I was the one she called when she wanted advice. I was the one she called when she was sobbing hysterically. I was the one that would drive three hours to console her or celebrate with her and then turn around and drive back. By my actions over the years, she knew that I was always there for her, unconditionally.
My relationship with Crandall is one I’m extremely proud of. I can’t express what a wonderful young lady she’s grown up to be and how being a father has enriched my life and been such a blessing. I’m thankful that I didn’t allow the circumstances to drive a distance between us that would have prevented our bond from forming like it has. If I had not asked the magic question and taken action on the answers, my regret could have been profound.
The good news is that while this process worked for me to prevent regret, it can also work for anyone who currently has regret. Simply ask and answer the question, “What can I do NOW to address the situation that is causing me regret, given the circumstances I have to live with?”
