We often know that we need to change…but we don’t. Why is it so hard? And why does it often feel like there is just too much that we have to work through? If this ever happens to you, you’re not alone. In fact, in the last couple of weeks, I’ve had several heartfelt conversations with friends and clients who are struggling through some tough life challenges. It can seem so overwhelming…sorting everything out with the hopes that you can resolve situations or get on the right path.
One of the patterns I noticed in these recent conversations was a tendency for what I call OVER-COMPLICATING or OVER-THINKING. The reality is that we are complex beings with powerful brains. Some of us suffer from thinking too much. We make things tougher and more complicated than they need to be. I have to admit, I can get sucked into this one pretty easily.
I was listening to Krista Tippett’s interview with Angel Kyodo Williams, an ordained Zen priest, maverick spiritual teacher and acclaimed author on transformation, on NPR recently. (This woman is fascinating and so wise IMHO.) She made a number of points that I think are relevant to my fellow over-thinkers out there. She said that first, we have to recognize that we’re a massive collection of thoughts and feelings…not always originating in us. In other words, we have our own thoughts and feelings and they get blurred with that of others. Sometimes, those other thoughts are coming from societal views…sometimes from parents, friends or colleagues. Or the media. As we start to reflect in our head, we’re met with a cascading flood of information, thoughts and feelings. The noise in our own heads can be deafening.
She also mentioned that sometimes we have to “un-become.” In other words, we have to be vulnerable and open to new possibilities and new realities. The truth is that we spend our lives “becoming” so the concept of un-becoming seems foreign and unnatural. But perhaps by un-becoming we can let go and are able to be freer, not confined to the ruts we have created for ourselves.
I think that is why we are usually much better at giving advice than taking it. I was sharing something with a friend earlier this morning, and I could look at his situation from an objective, third-party vantage point which gave me a different perspective. He, however, has the emotions, the history, the details and other people reactions to wrestle with; not to mention the risk of making the wrong decision.
So what’s the answer? Angel Williams suggests learning how to PAUSE. But what happens when you focus on meditating or pausing or being present? Instead of feeling still and present, with a path to clarification, you may have quite a different experience. It may be more like, “OH MY GOD, who is in here (your head) and how do I get them to shut up?” That doesn’t mean that you don’t work on it. And that you surrender to the noise in your head. It just means that you learn to quiet the voices and get some time where you can be still. Time to process, think and breathe. Like many others, I find running is a great way for me to do that. I’m not in a typical meditative pose with my legs crossed humming mantras, but I can tune out the distractions and give myself some space to sort.
With whatever method of pausing works for you, I would encourage you to focus on Angel’s advice and see what you can do to un-become. I think that your progress may come faster if you’re able to let go of your ego, be vulnerable and suspend your expectations. It may be hard, but it sounds less harsh. Angel mentioned in the interview, that people often have feelings of shame, of disappointment, of pain, of being put upon by others. All of that sounds harsh, and for many we are our own worst critics. Can the right reflection and ability to pause, help you let go of some of those critical thoughts and feelings? Can you un-become that person that keeps you stuck in that space?
The world can seem harsh enough without our own internal dialogue adding fuel to the fire. Don’t you think?
In a famous scene between Yoda and Luke in The Empire Strikes Back, Yoda admonishes Luke, “You must un-learn what you have learned.” In other words, sometimes we have to give ourselves a chance to clear the slate and un-become.
