Heated conversations are practically an everyday occurrence– something as simple as a discrepancy over a payment, a customer dissatisfied with a recent purchase, or a single, misplaced word unwittingly uttered by a loved one. How we interact in these situations will greatly influence the outcome.
For starters, it will be helpful to clarify the difference between REACTING and RESPONDING.
Reacting to something you hear or see– it’s more of a reflex that occurs involuntarily and almost instantaneously. Let’s say you are engaged in a conversation with a prospective client, discussing the fee schedule for your services. Suddenly, the prospect becomes argumentative and challenges you, insisting your prices are way too high. You might feel attacked, or like the rug has been pulled out from under you, and if so, you might abruptly react by defending yourself, explaining in rapid-fire detail, the appropriateness of your fees, and how your services perfectly address the needs of the prospect. To your amazement, the prospect becomes even more argumentative, accusing you of trying to upsell them. You, in turn, insist you’re not upselling them at all, that you’re simply responding to their concerns, and giving them a realistic take on your services as per the marketplace. The prospect then stands up and says, “Thank you for your time,” and heads out the door.
And you are left you your mouth hanging open, wondering what just happened.
This was a situation in which the 2 parties involved were reacting to one another, rather than listening closely enough to understand what was being discussed and then responding accordingly. A reaction, by definition, is an emotionally-driven reflex, not a chosen response. This is why we’re all-too-familiar with the phrase knee-jerk reaction; it’s the result of our emotions getting the best of us.
Let’s go over the scenario again, but this time, I’ll add some steps to steer the interaction towards responsiveness and away from emotional reactivity:
Take Note and Assess: As you’re first presenting information to the prospect about your services and fees, dial into the person sitting across from you, and pay close attention to the full scope of what you see. Take note of their facial expressions, breathing, tone of voice, and body language. Have you noticed any changes in them while you were listening and watching? If so, make a mental note of those changes as you proceed.
Process: After you have taken a quick inventory, consider other potential contributing variables in the conversation that came into play, such as misinformation or a lack of understanding (either on your part, on the prospect’s part, or both).
Pause: It’s also a good practice to take a moment (or two) to make sure you remain in a calm state of mind before your proceed. This will ensure you continue on the path to an appropriate response and not slip back towards reactiveness.
Seek to Understand: In order to better understand what changed, and how this situation took an unexpected turn for the worse, take a moment to increase your self-awareness and make deliberate choices with regard to your tone of voice, your body language, (especially your facial expressions) and the words you use. Take a moment to carefully formulate an empathetic way to gather information with the intention to genuinely understand.
Here’s an example of how the dialogue might sound with this kind of approach:
“I get the feeling I’ve inadvertently upset you, and I’m very sorry for that. I was under the impression that Mary, who referred you, had already informed you of my fees. I realize now this was not the case–and I apologize for missing that step and assuming you already had the fee information. How I can make this better for us?”
Note: It’s appropriate at this point to do nothing but listen, and nod as the prospect responds, letting them know you understand. Ideally, the reply of the prospective client would go something like this:
‘Well, exactly! Mary told me you were great, and seeing as you’re close associates, and work in the same field, I also made an assumption that your services would be in the same price range. I never dreamed you’d charge 200 dollars more than Mary! So I am a little upset because there’s no way I can afford you.
At this point you can respond by blending self-awareness and empathy, and confirm your understanding with the prospect.
“Let me see if I understand this correctly. Mary didn’t let you know about my fees; I can definitely understand how that caught you off guard. If the shoe were on the other foot, I would be upset as well. You mentioned you weren’t sure if you could afford my services. If I can come up with a creative solution for us, would you be open to exploring a few options? If we can’t figure out a way to solve this creatively, I will refer you to someone who I think might be able to work within your budget.”
The response from your prospective client might very well be completely different at this point:
“Wow, I didn’t think you’d be willing to do that. I really appreciate it! Sure, let’s talk about some options.”
I realize these are overly-simplified examples of two kinds of interactions, but nonetheless, they are sound illustrations of how a touchy situation can either be made worse by reacting to it emotionally, or can be turned around for the better by keeping one’s emotions in check, slowing down, listening more closely, and then responding to the concerns at hand, step by step.
What truly sets the response tactic apart is utilizing something called Emotional Intelligence. This requires a deeper understanding of oneself and others, and utilizes a wide range of skills such as self-awareness, self-regulation, empathy, social skills (social awareness) and mindfulness of all the motivations at play in any given situation.
People who possess and hone these skills tend to perform well in relationship-driven positions such as leadership, customer service, or sales roles. If you are in one of these roles in your professional life, and/or would like to increase your understanding of communication and relationships in general, I encourage you to explore more about emotional intelligence, so the next time you are in a situation like the one described above, you can successfully and artfully respond, rather than react.
* If you want to learn more, here is a great link by Daniel Goleman on Emotional Intelligence
