Selling is one of the toughest jobs in existence. It is often lonely and at times, downright thankless, but even worse when you don’t have a personal support system in place. I’m very fortunate to be happily married, and have been so since April 2000. My wife is also an entrepreneur—and she gets it when it comes to my professional pursuits. Over the past few years however, more and more folks have asked me, “How do I get more support at home and/or in my personal life?”
I’m not a relationship expert by any means but here are 7 things I’ve employed that might help you in this department.
These tips require nuance and finesse, so just know that the conversations might not always go as smoothly as you imagined in your head. A good rule of thumb is to make a concerted effort to understand the needs and wants of your partner/friend/loved one with as much vigor as you would like for them to understand your needs and wants. These strategies will have the most impact when interacting with a significant other, but can be modified for use with anyone you intend to lean on for support with your revenue driving career. These tips are also great (with a few tweaks) for veteran business owners or sales folks who aren’t feeling the love at home. With that in mind, let’s dive in:
#1 Share your why
You may have taken your job for a myriad of reasons—to make more money, to better your family’s living situation, to represent a product or service you’re extremely passionate about, etc. The reasons are usually personal, and always particular, to you. Have you shared these things with your significant other? Does he or she know the specific ways in which this job is important to you, and therefore, know why you are so deeply committed to it? If you are not 100% certain for yourself, make time to pinpoint your “why,” and then share your thoughts with your support person. This isn’t going to solve everything as you move forward, but it will provide a clearer understanding for your career choice.
During your discussions, you may discover that they might not fully understand or share your level of passion, and that’s okay. The point of the exercise is to simply deepen their understanding of why you do what you do, and to set the stage for future conversations.
#2 Change and expectations
It’s easy to make exclamatory statements around bracing for change such as, “Once I take this job, I’m going to be working crazy hours. Money is going to be a little unpredictable at first. And I’m going to be dog tired when I get home.” While this might be an accurate forecast, you can inadvertently set them up to expect the worst case scenario. Not good!
If gaining more support is your chief aim, take time to explore their feelings, fears, and enthusiasm about your job. Ask them how they perceive things changing in the relationship, e.g. your availability, your energy level, your interaction with the kids, etc. Ask them to talk about what they imagine will change, and to be specific. It’s also just as important to get clear about what they hope will not change.
A lot can be revealed when you ask questions that gets them talking about their thoughts and feelings, rather than simply telling them what to expect. There’s no telling what all might come forward with this level of engagement—preconceived notions, hidden fears, or maybe even a generous offer of support—there are many possibilities, and an honest conversation will always serve your greatest interests.
If, after the conversation, you discover they still have reservations, ask for more clarification, and give them your undivided attention to really understand their concerns, and to let them know you’ve heard them. Afterwards, both of you will have a much clearer picture about how things will unfold in the future.
#3 Develop a strong NO muscle
I’ve written a number of articles on this topic. (Here is my favorite.) If, at the end of your day, you hope to have any energy left to give your partner, be on high alert in terms of when you’re over-committing yourself. As a rule, it’s best to under-commit yourself, and get in the habit of saying no to a few work related activities that stand to rob you of precious time and energy. For example, networking is important, but how many boards do you really need to serve on? How many after-work meetings are actually necessary to further your career? How many last-minute texts and phone calls realistically require your response?
Food for thought: When you say yes to a last-minute call before leaving the office, you are simultaneously saying no to things you’d otherwise enjoy like tucking your kid into bed, or going for a 20-minute run that you desperately need. It’s essential for you to block time for these crucial activities, and make those blocks non-negotiable. Be sure you’re aware of your partner’s YES and NO list, too, (see tip #2) and keep those items in mind when planning your work schedule.
#4 Ask for help around the house
This might be a no brainer, but it’s important enough to include on this list. Even though you might be donning the Supermom or Superdad cape, you must come to terms with an unavoidable fact of life: You cannot do it all yourself. Trying to keep up with household chores as you did before you took this job is not going to happen without seriously wearing yourself out. I can tell you, firsthand, that the clouds parted and the angels sang when I started asking for help with meal prep, housecleaning, transporting my daughter, cutting the grass, and other tasks related to running our household.
If you’ve gotten clear on what they expect (Tip #2) you must also make it clear to them what you need in terms of daily support (with chores, etc.). Note: If you make enough money and can afford to do so, I highly recommend hiring outside support for things like housecleaning and lawn-mowing.
#5 Ask them about their day
Ok…about me: Even though I’m heavily involved with 3 separate business ventures, I’m also the primary caregiver for our 6 year-old. I have a highly-driven and very supportive wife who’s in the midst of building her own empire, and she focuses every ounce of her energy and attention toward making her business wildly successful. As an unintended consequence of her dogged efforts, I, too, have felt unappreciated from time to time. (I love you babe… really I do!) A few years ago, when Logan was 4, I was having a particularly challenging day: I was juggling a full coaching load from home, the dog had puked all over the house, the truck needed to go into the shop, the well pump wasn’t working correctly, and I had to keep an eye on my high-energy daughter who was home, on break from preschool.
A friend named Mariah stopped by to say hello on her way to the airport before a big trip to Florida. Within moments of her arrival, I started venting about the difficulty of my day. She gave me kudos for being a good work-at-home dad, and our conversation transitioned into her asking how Amanda was adjusting to her longer work hours. I grinned and said, “Well, our stereotypes have traded places. When Amanda comes home, I have a hot meal waiting on the table for her. I open a beer and place it in her hand, and she immediately starts telling me about her crazy day. Then she drops her empty lunch box near the sink, and I put her dirty containers in the dishwasher. She continues downloading the events of her day for a while, and then sometimes, by the second beer, if I’m lucky, she gets around to asking me about my day.” My friend Marah wanted to see this in action, so she stuck around until Amanda got home.
The interaction played out exactly as I’d described, which had Mariah and me giggling. Later that night, Amanda asked what the laughter was about, and this led us into a productive conversation about being more aware of one another’s contributions to the nuts and bolts of our life together, and where expressing appreciation comes into play. Things have been much better in that department ever since.
#6 Give them time with and without you
For years, self-help gurus have been touting the benefits of self-care—urging people to always find ways to recharge their batteries. For our purposes, we’ll apply this idea to the practice of recharging your relationship’s batteries. (Here is another article on a few ways to do that.) If you put most of your energy into acquiring new clients and serving existing ones, and then give your remaining attention to your children when you finally get home from work, what can you possibly have left to give to your significant other?
We are human, and we all have interpersonal/emotional needs. It’s important to carve out time during the week to devote 100% of your attention to your life partner. Scheduling a date night is great, but if your time is limited, an activity as simple as going on a walk together, or even grabbing a cup of coffee for 10-minutes before the kids wake up can replenish a depleted relationship.
There is a flip side to this concept. Your spouse may be pouring everything he or she has into their job, and the kids and you, leaving them utterly drained. S/he may desire a reprieve, and secretly want nothing more than to be alone for a while, but will never outright ask for this.
You could be an absolute hero if you were to say, unexpectedly, “Let me take the kids tomorrow.” I can tell you first-hand, when I received a spontaneous “day pass” from Amanda, it was like an anvil was lifted off my chest, and I was all the more appreciative of my spouse as a result.
#7 Regular Check-in’s
Laying the ground work and following tips 1-6 will help you achieve a deeper level of commitment and support from your loved one, but situations change, and ill feelings can arise without the other party knowing about it. Whether it’s spontaneous or scheduled, don’t forget to check in regularly to make sure things are clear between the two of you. Choose a low pressure setting like a couples walk or dinner to open the conversation and find out “how we’re doing” (versus asking in the middle of your chaotic day). If you work on developing good communication with your partner, over time you’ll likely develop a 6th sense and will more readily recognize when something is not quite right.
There’s a caveat here with all of this, however, and it’s a core theme woven throughout today’s article: You must proactively take steps to deepen your relationship before you can expect to receive the full support you crave from your partner. If you work on developing good communication, you can nip a potential conflict in the bud before it erupts. In time, your efforts will bear fruits when you most need your partner’s shoulder to lean on, because the groundwork will have already been laid. You will have already earned that support—honestly.
