Have you ever been involved in a conversation where someone absolutely fixates on something wrong? It could be a wonderful blue sky day and a person is obsessing over how hot it is outside. How about the person who is having an especially productive week but can’t seem to get over the one customer that made them mad. Then there is the crisis of the month club. That’s the person that seems to have some crisis going on at any given moment. Do you know anyone like this?
When people get negative and zero-in on (fill in the black), it can seem like they are making a mountain out of a mole hill and all you want to do is help that person chill out. To the individual that is having the crisis, it truly is a big deal and their challenge or problem just seems to be ruining their day. Believe it or not, I used to be like this for a while! Here are a few things that helped me see the world a little differently.
You got a problem
A few years ago someone described me as having a storm cloud over my head. I would complain and moan about everything – at least that’s what most people thought about me. Ironically, in my mind, I was a pretty upbeat person, but there were so many people out there that just weren’t taking their job, their responsibilities, and their life seriously. From my perspective, my boss was being reckless, my family members were making ridiculous decisions…things just generally pissed me off. It took several conversations with my wife for me to realize…I was in the habit of finding fault with just about anything! I literally couldn’t go one hour without pointing out something that was wrong.
But I’m good at it
What was interesting; I was truly unaware that I was in the habit of finding fault with everything! My perception was that I was getting mislabeled as being “negative.” Here’s why. When I was in the resort industry, I had an uncanny ability to problem-solve complex operational challenges. I LOVED looking over an impossible plan and problem shooting it, then coming up with an executable masterpiece! I “knew” I was good at it because after weeks of craziness at a time, I would get so many congratulations and thanks for navigating yet another crisis. So, what’s wrong with being great at picking things apart, finding what’s wrong and then fixing it? Nothing, as long as you know when you are doing it subconsciously and know when to turn it off.
Stupid brain
What I didn’t realize, because of years of repetition, is that I had hard-wired my brain to really “look” for problems in an effort to indentify, trouble-shoot and solve them. In my mind, this was for the singular purpose of helping people. I had become an expert but I couldn’t turn the habit off! After I left the resort world and was an employee in other organizations, I would “look” for what was going wrong in everything my boss was doing and had 10,000 ways of fixing it. I would do the same thing in my family dynamics, during a football game, a movie, the way people were driving, and then eventually I was starting to do it with my wife. Then the day came when she said the one thing that always brings me to my knees. “Chris, do realize how badly you are hurting my feelings right now?”
Building awareness
It took my wife saying that, for me to change my perspective. One of seeing the world as an endless slew of challenges that needed to be solved. From her point of view, I was being fairly negative and finding fault with…everything. OUCH. It is important to say a few things here. I really value the thoughts and opinions of my wife. I know she always has my best interests in mind and I wanted to do something to change. If ANYONE else would have said the same thing I would have been utterly dismissive.
In order to start the long process of being aware of when I was problem-shooting (or rather, being negative), I empowered my wife to gently remind me of when I was doing it. By the way, she did it A LOT; in the car, during movies, at sporting events, after interactions with my family, after reviewing financials, on and on. As I mentioned before, in the beginning, I literally couldn’t’ go one hour without doing it. However, eventually I went two hours, then four, even a day, and eventually as long as a week. With much hard work I went through an amazing transformation.
“Dude just let it go!” sometimes, ain’t that easy
I recently came across a book (The Happiness Advantage) that mentioned a case study on a similar phenomenon experienced by some lawyers. Think of it as a possible occupational hazard. In the book the author mentions during their training, they develop the ability to hear an argument and look for holes in the logic or facts. This is followed by identifying, exposing and then exploiting these weaknesses in an effort to discredit or out-maneuver the opposing arguments. Imagine how that could potentially impact a relationship if you couldn’t “turn it off.” In my opinion, this validated all of my wife’s observations of me.
What I now realize for some people, just letting go of something is not that easy. In fact, it might be all but impossible if it is a strong habit coupled with the genuine feeling that they are being helpful. Combine this with someone unwittingly saying, “Just let it go.” If the person in question doesn’t respect that person’s opinion…use your imagination how that conversation might go. Coming to this awareness has helped me not be so flip in how I react to someone I perceive to be “difficult, negative, or catty.”
Some people are completely unaware of the habit they have formed. Because of my own story, I am sensitive to people that seem like they have a storm clouds over their heads. I always want to help them and if the situation presents itself; I want to guide them to the same realization that I have. However, wisdom has shown sometimes it’s best to be silent, particularly if that person hasn’t asked me for help. If it isn’t directly affecting me on a day-to-day basis and especially if the person doesn’t respect or want my opinion. Instead, I need to focus on what is right in the day. I need to focus on what I can do to have the most positive effects on the people I care about. Most importantly, I discovered when I’m hearing someone being negative and they are not ready or willing to change; the one who really needs to let it go is sometimes…me!
