I was conducting a mentoring workshop for a new client last week and the question came up, “What about having those tough conversations?” The president of the firm was raising a concern that many of us have. How do you approach a sensitive and potentially challenging conversation with someone you are mentoring? Of course, it doesn’t matter if you’re in a mentoring role or not, the answer is the same.
The core currency in any relationship, whether it’s a mentoring relationship, a relationship with a colleague or a personal relationship, is trust. If you’ve established a relationship based on trust, giving (and receiving) difficult feedback is going to be easier. So if you build relationships based on trust, you will be in a better position to have a productive, honest and direct conversation to address the concern at hand.
Respect is a huge part of the equation as well. If your relationship includes respect, it means that you can be honest and forthright without coming across as too dismissive or too harsh. Your mentee will know that you are sharing feedback or concerns for his or her best interests. If you have demonstrated respect in the relationship, it will also be clear that you are not out to “get them.” Instead, your mentee will know that you have a history of giving support and encouragement and will, in turn, be more open to constructive criticism.
Even with a relationship infused with trust and respect, there is still a level of risk that comes with difficult conversations. As the potential bearer of bad news, it’s easy to want to go into avoidance mode. If you’re the mentor, however, you must be willing to accept that risk and do what is right. Too often, a mentor or a boss will sweep little things under the rug in hopes that they will “go away.” The problem with this approach is that if left unattended or addressed, the issues will not go away. They will merely build-up until eventually they become a much bigger or more pressing issue. It’s better to nip things in the bud early than to let them grow or escalate. Your mentee will benefit far more by you being proactive and dealing with issues sooner versus later. And you can feel confident and relaxed that you’ve done the work that you need to do.
To facilitate a positive outcome, here are five tips you can use to create a positive outcome:
- Conduct the conversation in a setting that ensures privacy and confidentiality.
- Share the concern with a direct and non-judgmental approach.
- Keep the conversation focused on the issue and don’t get sidetracked by emotions or other non-related information.
- Give the mentee a chance to respond and share. Be attentive and listen actively.
- Depending on the situation, have the mentee (with your guidance and feedback) develop a plan for moving forward and addressing the concern.
One final tip: If you’re the type who dreads the tough exchange, reframe it in your mind before hand. Realize that the conversation is the best way that you can help your mentee. Approach it with an attitude of supporting and serving your mentee so he can be more successful. You will feel better after the discussion and you will have done a critical job that will not only benefit your mentee, but also the organization.
