Trapped at home with the kids: The Struggle for Sanity

Let’s be real, our everyday lives have been massively disrupted—and we are struggling for our sanity!

One of the biggest changes in our lives is the sheer amount of people forced to work remotely—and specifically, from home. This new vocational reality is a windfall for many because it serves to maintain the flow of critical revenue into the household.

However, the spectrum of enjoyment around this new way of conducting business is wide. A close friend named Karen told me she’s now accomplishing more in 30 hours than she ever did when working in a regular office setting for 60.

On the other end of the spectrum, there are plenty of people struggling to get anything done in this situation. (That would be me!) Even though I’ve got years of productivity and business development experience—(Seven of those years, working with a child at home)—have led workshops, and have written countless articles on the subject, nothing has prepared me for this level of daily chaos.

Needless to say, everyone is in a heightened state of stress right now, due to the uncertainly about finances, working conditions, and health concerns. Today, I’d like to share four strategies for productivity, specifically designed for anyone who’s stuck at home with their kids right now. Amanda and I have made significant shifts in our thinking and behavior, and as a result, I’ve got some great tips for staying on track—and for staying sane!

1) The Executive Family Member Morning Huddle

During our first two weeks of being “shut-in,” Amanda and I were still waking up early, making our to-do lists, and getting a good workout in before tackling our day. This is something we’ve done for years with no problem whatsoever, but now we were faced with an issue: when our 7 year-old daughter, Logan, came downstairs and saw me and Amanda at home, she assumed it was the weekend, and that is was time to play. Nothing about this scenario rang the school bell in Logan’s mind.

To add to the confusion, Amanda and I have no experience with home-schooling, and we’d failed to sort out which subject would be taught by whom. We also failed to discuss which of us had conference calls scheduled, and at what time. On top of that, we didn’t even know what food we had in the fridge, or which of us would make lunch. It wasn’t long before we got very tense with each other. Voices were raised. Feelings were hurt.

The problem was—we each had an idea about how our workday was supposed to flow, but we failed to communicate any details to each other, because it had never been necessary to do so—until this unprecedented turn of events.

So here’s the new program: After we’re done with our morning routines, we come together for an executive Parent Huddle—a 30-minute meeting to go over our respective work schedules, household schedules, and our priorities. We exchange our timing ideas for homeschooling Logan, for virtual meetings, and housework. Then, we decide who will be doing what, and when.

What’s important here is keeping our daughter in the loop; this is a whole new program for her, and she’s just as discombobulated as the rest of us! We have to be specific with her—and in this case, that means telling her that we’re in a meeting, that we need some privacy, and that we’ll be done by 8:30. Miraculously, this one step completely snapped Logan out of any erroneous notions she’d been entertaining that this new daytime arrangement is a perpetual weekend. We do this every day, and it sets the tone that “today is a workday,” and she happily complies (most of the time).

2) Get Out of My Office!

My wife is new to this whole “Working From Home” (WFH) concept, and the first few weeks were more WTF than WFH for her. The main source of frustration came from the interruptions that inevitably ensued within 20 minutes of opening her laptop. She might be tasked with tracking down a roll of Scotch tape for a crafting project or asked (more than a few times) to demonstrate the pronunciation of a tricky word from one of Logan’s study books.

Thankfully, over the years, my daughter has acclimated to the Daddy WFH Protocol, and knows I mean business when I tell her, “Unless it’s an emergency, please don’t disturb me when I’m in my office!,” and usually has no trouble complying.

Granting her mother the same respect, however, proved more challenging, because seeing Amanda at home during the day has cued playtime to Logan for her entire life, and thus, had trouble grasping the concept of not-interrupting. So we moved Amanda into my office during the work hours. (Dad’s office is synonymous with “Do not disturb.”) Within a week, Logan grew to understand that even though Mom is home right now, it’s not playtime. If she’s in Dad’s office—Mom is working.

So now, Logan has adjusted to the new system. She understands that the rules she follows when Dad is working at home also apply to Mom. This is a relief, because now Amanda doesn’t have to be held hostage in my office to work without interruption; she can set up a dedicated office elsewhere in the house, because Logan gets it.

3) Oh, the Guilt!

Here’s another challenge that Amanda’s had to deal with, and this might be true for you too.

For years, when Amanda left the house for work every day, she felt like a bad parent. It was the classic heartache scenario of Mom driving off, and seeing her daughter in the rear view mirror, waving goodbye with tears streaming down her precious little face.

Now that Amanda is home, that painful memory surges forward every time Logan asks for her attention—even if it’s only for a brief moment. Over these past few weeks, I’ve watched Amanda seriously torn between doing her client work, and spending time with Logan, and I felt guilty for not noticing this dilemma earlier.

So Amanda and I sat down and had some straight talk about a few hard realities we hadn’t yet fully acknowledged, much less embraced. (In all fairness, our heads were spinning, just trying to get a handle on what was actually going on in the world, and in our world. Of course, in many ways, we are still grappling with this.)

Tough facts we finally put our finger on: Amanda is now a Work-From-Home parent. That is a HUGE adjustment to make in one’s thinking, and frankly, more than just a little bit of a shock. For years now, Logan has functioned very well (Monday-Friday) without hours of Amanda’s undivided attention, and has absolutely demonstrated the ability to entertain herself for 60 minute stretches while I’m working. However, this whole dynamic is not something Amanda has previously ever had to consider or navigate, and it was uncomfortable for her to look at this all at once, and to get her head around it.

But our straight talk reality-check did help—in a lot of ways—and Amanda is finding it much easier now to stick to her work-related tasks– even when Logan is vying for her attention. She is cultivating her ability to say “it’s not a good time right now” without feeling overwhelmed with guilt. She’s also learning to ask for my help in redirecting Logan when she needs to put it a few solid work hours without distraction.

4) Live, don’t die, by a schedule

My wife and I guard our schedules like bull dogs. We have no problem politely telling people when we are not available. This comes from years of practicing setting boundaries. We prioritize our to-do lists on any given day, and have built the willpower to say no to all kinds of things, actions, or people that might distract us from accomplishing our goals. (Here’s an article on that topic.)

The beauty of having a schedule (even before this craziness ensued) is that it creates a predictable pattern to your day. Without a schedule, you’re adding the element of uncertainty, which is bound to amplify the anxiety we’re already experiencing right now. This was definitely the case with Logan. She’s always thrived in the structured environment provided by her school, but since that’s been put on hold, she’s been prone to being stubborn, starting arguments, and has become far less interested in activities she previously loved.

In light of this, Amanda and I created a schedule to accommodate all of our needs, and it hinged on an on-duty and off-duty concept: The off-duty parent is free to conduct business during designated blocks of times, doled out in half-day or whole-day increments. When one parent is working, the on-duty parent is knocking out household chores and engaging with Logan.

Logan’s day is structured around blocks of time dedicated to class time, play time (on FaceTime), and free time (for drawing, riding her bike, or otherwise playing outside). By officially structuring our on-and-off duty blocks throughout the week, we’re getting a better handle on our work, and our family is beginning to settle into a rhythm.

All that said, this strategy is far from perfect due to so many unpredictable elements. Although we are slowly getting the hang of this home-schooling thing, Logan’s teachers are constantly surprising us with supplementary live video lessons at odd times for the purpose of keeping the students engaged. We’ve also noticed our clients scrambling to accommodate their shifting workloads and their new family obligations, and our schedules do not always coincide.

The truth is, everyone is affected by this mess, and everyone finds it challenging to stick to a hard and fast schedule.

Here are a few tweaks Amanda and I made to our scheduling practices:

Sharing our online work calendars with each other has enabled us to coordinate a few predictable slots on our respective calendars. But, scheduling a 4-hour+ time slot to knock out our larger tasks is not going to happen, so we don’t even try! Instead, we look for pockets of time to accomplish the larger tasks. For example, if I know Logan is doing her online Spanish class for 30 minutes, I can use that time to bang out a few paragraphs on an article. Or if I’m on Logan duty, and Amanda gets an unexpected opening in her schedule due to a client canceling, I’ll ask her for a tag-out so I can grab a few more minutes and nail a few more paragraphs.

It’s less than ideal, but it’s working for us, as long as we communicate with each other.

Juggling and prospecting for work, providing home schooling, and maintaining a harmonious household in close confinement—while trying to stay upbeat during a dark chapter in human history–is not easy! I struggle to comprehend how quickly my world, Amanda’s world, Logan’s world, and I’m sure your world, has literally changed overnight.

Sharing a few of these day-to-day challenges connects me to you, and reinforces the fact that we are all in this together. Leaning on each other, (at least six feet apart) and having honest conversations in an effort to help one another, is how we are going to get through this.

There is one last thing I would like to share with you. Last week after a particularly rough day, as I was putting Logan to bed for the night, I asked her a simple question. “What is one thing I could do that would help me be a better Daddy?” And she replied, “Just be patient with me.”

Sage advice for all of us.