Over the past few months, working with some of my business owner clients, I noticed a particular phrase popping up in various conversations: “What I really want next is _______________.” Inevitably the blank would be filled in with an arbitrary dollar amount, or more widespread fame, or recognition for an accomplishment. One day, however, a young business owner of 32, (whom we’ll call Charlie) filled in that blank with an unexpected answer that changed his life forever.
Charlie was driving home from work one day, and called me from his car, going over a laundry list of frustrations in his life. He wanted to bring in more money. He wanted to spend more time with the people he cared about. He wanted to be more physically active, but because of his stress level, rather than exercise after work, he’d just sit down on the sofa and relax with a few beers. He went on and on like this for 10 minutes, spiraling deeper and deeper into his misery.
Finally, I made the executive decision to derail his train of thought and redirect the conversation, asking him a simple question that stopped him cold: “Charlie, I hear you talking about what you want in your life, and I would like to know something different: Who would you like to become?”
There was a long pause on the other line. He began muttering something under his breath and then stopped himself short and asked, “What do you mean?”
“You’re frustrated with what’s going on in your life. Some of the things you’ve described are within your control and some are not. My question is focused on who you want to become. Perhaps it’ll be best if you start with who you are right now.”
“I’m frustrated as shit right now!” I’m a frustrated, pissed off business owner! THAT’S who I am right now!”
“If that’s who you are right now, (and by the way, I agree with your assessment) who would you like to become? Take a moment, and then give me an honest answer.”
A full 2 minutes passed before he replied. (2 minutes of silence is an eternity when you are on the phone with someone.)
“I want to be fulfilled and happy–that’s it. I want to be fulfilled and happy.”
“GREAT! Most people can’t answer that question as concisely as you did!”
“Are you kidding me? Isn’t that what everyone wants?” Charlie replied.
“It is what most people want, but this kind of transformation is a huge undertaking that involves major lifestyle changes. A lot of people who delve into self-exploration discover it’s not just some online course or a weekend workshop–it’s an ongoing study that requires digging deeply into oneself for an extended period of time. It requires facing and assessing habitual ways of thinking and relating to others. There are numerous support systems for this kind of transformational undertaking; spiritual counseling, self-help books, psychotherapy–the list goes on. I’d be happy to share some resources with you if any of these options are of interest. For now, I’d like to understand more about this person you’d like to become.
If you are a person who is fulfilled and happy, what qualities would that person possess? How would you describe that person? How does he act, and what does he do? See if you can come up with at least 5 traits that are meaningful to you.
Charlie pulled his car over and jotted some thoughts down in a note pad.
A person who is fulfilled and happy…
- Has deep relationships with the people he cares about.
- Volunteers in the service of his community.
- Lives an active, healthy lifestyle.
- Saves more money than he spends, and is able to be generous with others.
- Enjoys his job and loves to teach.
“That’s a great start, Charlie. Now here’s an assignment for you. Over this weekend, convert your list to first person statements, and add 3 correlating actions underneath each statement. ”
Here’s the list Charlie came up with:
I have deep relationships with the people I care about.
- Call my brother on my drive home from work
- Plan a weekend family trip
- Rent a movie and make Friday “Movie night”
I volunteer in the service of my community.
- Help my aging neighbor with her garden
- Find a way to do 1 hour of pro bono work this week
- Go through my closet and donate 2 bags of clothes
I live a heathy and active lifestyle.
- Go for 15 minute walk around my neighborhood
- Take my bike to the shop and plan a short bike rout this week
- Eat at least one vegetarian dinner
I’m generous and save more money than I spend.
- Come up with 5 ways to bring 10% more income into my household. It could be inside my job or outside my job just as long as it’s legal
- The 125.00 I normally spend on going out this week I am putting in my IRA
- I’m sending my sister 50.00 to put in my nephews 529
I enjoy my job and I love to teach.
- Research an area of my job I would like to master and find one thing online that will help
- Find one mentoring opportunity for which I am qualified (Even if it is outside of work)
- Find 30 minutes this week and devote it to doing something I enjoy at work
I explained to Charlie that it would be wise to implement only a few of these items. Attempting to tackle the whole list over the course of 1 week would likely be overwhelming and counter-productive to long-term habit-change. Instead, we agreed to view this as a work in progress. With that in mind I asked him to choose items on the list he felt were realistic to accomplish, but would also push him to grow. I also asked him to shoot me a text every Thursday to give me a progress report. We went back over his list every 5 weeks to see what was working, what wasn’t working, and what he wanted to change.
After doing this for 6 months, his attitude towards his career, his relationships, and himself, changed significantly. There were plenty of ups and downs along the way, but he made a solid commitment to become who he wanted to be, and after 6 months- he was slowly becoming that person.
The exercise above is way to open a door to some new perspectives on your life; however, asking oneself “Who do I want to become?” is not necessarily for everyone; it will likely require fundamental changes in how you think, how you see the world, and what you value. That said, if this is something you genuinely seek, and feel ready to explore, just know that this kind of journey can profoundly change how you live your life, and in time, you will see the fruits of your efforts in your interactions with community, family, clients, and business colleagues.
So I’ll ask you again: “Who do you want to become?”
