I was having lunch with a friend recently. At the end of our time together, she said, “You’re incredible.” While I appreciated her sincere compliment, it hit me a bit oddly. And it’s not because of some sense of modesty or humility. If you’re a parent, teacher or boss, I want to warn you that this type of compliment can actually backfire and cause real problems with your kids, students or subordinates, respectively.
The fact is that through my Sixty@60 journey, I get lots of misplaced compliments like this all the time. And while I appreciate them; I have to make sure that I don’t give them too much credence and start believing them.
I am a fan of the work of Carol Dweck, Ph.D. She’s a world-renowned Stanford University psychologist who has dedicated her extensive research career to studying mindset. Specifically, Dweck has championed that folks fall into two categories, those with a “fixed mindset “and those with a “growth mindset.” Her work reveals how great parents, teachers and managers can put her research to use to foster outstanding accomplishment.
Here’s how I understand it. When people give me compliments that are ability-based, (i.e. I’ve got certain abilities that make me special), they actually can harm my future performance. Let’s examine why this is. According to Dweck, “We like to think of our champions and idols as superheroes who were born different than us. We don’t like to think of them as relatively ordinary people who made themselves extraordinary.”
When we put others on a pedestal, it can often unburden us, while unintentionally burdening the person we compliment. In other words, if you believe I have some superpower to achieve what I did, it’s easy to dismiss your own ability to do something great. And if I believe I have some superpower, I can easily convince myself that I possess special talents or gifts that make my achievements possible.
Here’s the reality. I don’t have any superpowers. What I do have is a “growth mindset.” I believe that if I put in the hard work, and lots of it, that I can achieve extraordinary results. And while I’m not immune to failures, I don’t let them define or limit me. Instead, I use my setbacks to help learn and grow so that I can come back stronger and better.
In one of Dweck’s research studies, students had different results based on whether they received compliments based on ability versus effort. The students who were praised for their ability received comments on their test performance like, “You got a really good score. You must be really smart at this.” This type of feedback actually pushed the students into a “fixed mindset.” When given a choice, these students rejected a challenging new task that they could learn from, because they didn’t’ want to do anything to expose their flaws or challenge their natural talent.
On the contrary, praising a student’s effort resulted in improved performance. Approximately 90% of the students in this group wanted the challenging new task that they could learn from. These students were not made to feel that they had some special gift. Instead, they were complimented for doing the work necessary to succeed. These students exhibited a “growth mindset.”
There are countless other studies with similar findings. So here are some do’s and don’ts to encourage and foster a “growth mindset” in yourself or others:
Do…recognize that you get ahead by learning and doing. Your hard effort will yield results.
Don’t…be seduced by your own giftedness and smarts and feel like you don’t need to grow or improve.
Do…use failure as a way to learn and grow.
Don’t…avoid situations or tasks where you might fail (be willing to take risks).
Do…praise others based on their effort.
Don’t…label others or use “ability-based” compliments.
